Pragmatic Mom

May 9, 2010

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama

Filed under: Humor for Moms — Pragmatic Mom @ 9:52 am
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JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three sec onds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated.

January 28, 2010

13 Ways to Raise a Non Reader

by Dean Schneider and Robin Smith

I found this poster by Horn Book at my preschool.  One of our assistant teachers was a children’s librarian and got this at a library conference.  Hope you love it as much as I do.  Because, of course, we all want to raise kids who hate books!  🙂

1.  Never Read where your children can see you.

2.  Put a TV or Computer in every room.  Don’t neglect the bathrooms and kitchen.

3.  Correct Your Child every time she mispronounces a word.

4.  Schedule Activities every day after school so your child will never get bored.

5.  Once your child can read independently, Throw Out The Picture Books.  They’re for babies!

6.  Don’t Play board games together.  Too dull.

7.  Give little Rewards for reading.  Stickers and plastic toys are good.  Money is even better.

8.  Don’t expect your children to enjoy reading.  Kids’ books are for Teaching vocabulary, proper study habits, and good morals.

9.  Buy only 40-Watt Bulbs for your lamps.

10.  Under NO circumstances, read your child the same book Over and Over.  She heard it once.  She should remember it.

11.  Never allow your children to listen to Books on Tape, that’s cheating.

12.  Make sure your kids only read books that are “challenging.”  Easy Books are a complete waste of time.  That goes double for comic books and Mad Magazine.

13.  Absolutely, positively No Reading in Bed!

December 15, 2009

Women Over 40 by Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes

In case you missed it on ’60 Minutes’, this is what  Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:  
    

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)    
  
Ladies,
   
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all.  Here are just a few reasons why:  
   
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’  She doesn’t care what you think.  
 
 
If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do.  And it’s usually something more interesting.
 
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.  Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think of her or what she’s doing.
 
Women over 40 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it…
 
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
 
Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.  They always know.
 
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. 
 
Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her…
 
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  
 
Ladies, I apologize for all of us.
 
 
Andy Rooney
——-
   
For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’, here’s an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  
 

Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!    
   
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
 

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